The Last Chapter

Today we saw

the faces of our children.

they were beautiful

they were perfect

I woke up this morning

to feel them both kicking.

Playing games.

they tapped in unison

1 – 2 – 3 – 4

Saskia & Arne

were born Tuesday

28 February 2012

We held them

as long as we could

and then we said

our farewells.

They are in the arms of angels now

keeping watch over us.

This chapter of our lives has ended

and we don’t know where the story will pick up again.

We don’t know when we will feel alive again.

Maybe the coming Spring will warm our hearts.

Maybe it will come with Christmas,

when it’s time to celebrate the birth

of another Child.

the One that will help us through this agony

-------------------------------

I am turning off my computer after sending this
and will step away for a while.

I don’t know when we will be able
to pick up the phone again, answer the door.

Do not worry.

We know you are with us.

Thinking about us.

That once again you have surrounded us

with love and prayers.

We feel it and thank you.

21 weeks and counting

Thursday, 16 February started off like any other day in the hospital ... ugh ... I really do hate it, but I promise that I am being good. I am and wil be on strict bed rest for at least 3 weeks from the day of my admission (Sunday, 12 February) so I guess it's best to just grin and bare it.

The absolutely worst issue is the headaches caused by the medication that should prevent pre-term contractions. They brought me to tears this morning.  It gets so painful that I can't touch my own forehead. But I was blessed with the best nurse so far who has been very proactive. After talking to my doctor she faxed in a request to have a neurologist come talk to me to rule out anything that they might be overlooking.

Then later she came in with my own doctor who said that my blood results are showing that I am anemic so he has ordered a transfusion for this afternoon. Now ... if only they can find a nurse who can place the drip with the first try. I look like a very bruised human pin cushion.

But the blood results also showed that the level of infection dropped today - even more than the doctor had hoped so that's great news.

He also did an examination - the first since I was admitted because they didn't want to stimulate anything.  My cervix is completely closed, firm and there's no pressure on it - this, for me, is the best news because it means these babies aren't going anywhere anytime soon.

20 week crisis

Things were zipping along like nobody's business.

On Wednesday, February 8 we reached that magical half way point.

On Saturday morning, a friend came over to take pictures of us unfortunately there still on my other computer. Then we went our friend's Eva to meet up with her and Patricia to discuss our plans for growing and trading vegetables. We're pretty excited about Sweet Harvest and you can read more about it here. After that we went to our friends in Schellebelle for dinner - it's always wonderful to see Marc, Linda and Sylvia - there were the first friends we made in Belgium and will always, always hold special places in our hearts.

Sunday morning started out uneventful. I slept in while my best honey made tea and sorted out our pets. Then he came and sat on the edge of the bed while we talked about godparents for our two little ones. We finally decided on the last one and were feeling great about our decisions. I was pretty excited to start writing letters to them to officially ask if they would take on the responsibility but we were off to start a leisurely morning.

First brunch, then hmmm, Axel was feeling pretty wiped - no wonder he had just worked two weeks straight and I had kept him busy all day on Saturday. So we put on a movie and settled in. My back started killing me. No explanation. I haven't had back pain like that in ages and it was mostly centered behind my right hip.

Not long after my water broke. Well, to be honest I didn't know that's what it was ... it just felt like a very strange explosion. I couldn't explain it or where it had come from. After an hour or two we decided it was best to head to the hospital and not wait to call the doctor on Monday.

Good decision!

I was admitted immediately and moved to the maternity ward. With an infusion for medication to stop any contractions that might come and an antibiotic to be safe. The admitting nurse said I should be prepared to stay in the hospital for the remainder of the pregnancy.

It was a very scary night, pressure would increase and fall as they upped medications, added another and then finally switched me to the one that worked . I finally fell asleep as the morning dawned. Monday was a little better but we still didn't have a lot of answers. But I was tired and scared worried and Axel was doing his best to bring me things I'd need from home. Even the doctor had few answers. We were mostly in a wait and see loop. An infection was present in my blood but that could be anywhere in my body and keeping me stable and contraction-free was the most important.

Tuesday's news was "neutral" the infection had dropped a little, lab results from the swab on Sunday night revealed a staph infection and the antibiotics I was already receiving were the right ones to combat it.

So we just have to wait and see ...

Do you want to know?

We went back to Leuven today for another scan. This doctor really takes his time and looks at everything. It's all going fine. Hearts and kidneys are all functioning as they should and both babies are in the "normal" size range (after reading a bit small at 15 weeks).

But the best part ... he could see both sexes. We were kind of laughing because I pointed to my belly and said "I think this one is a boy and this one is a girl."

So what do you think? 

Do you want to know?

... guess what? 

I was right!

one . of . each

We couldn't be happier .. really!

It's happening now. 

First we're pregnant, second - we're still pregnant,

third - it's twins and finally - it's one of each. 

Honestly can any more of my dreams come true!

We are so excited. 

The names we've already picked will stick and there will be no more hunting ... phew - that's a load off. Plus I can start my knitting and sewing projects and not have to wonder if this or that is neutral enough. They were going to share a room anyways so that's not a problem. And since we both don't really care for pink things are just fine.

That being said - I'll show you some of the colors soon. I bought fabrics for their quilts years ago and we recently received one from my mom that is perfect for the guest bed - which will be in their room.

Sleepers

It's always interesting to see what is "normal" in one country to the next ... grocery selections change, and architecture can be very different (as well as building quality) but it surprises me that what moms want or need for their babies can be so very different.

Well with two on the way I knew I wanted those oh-so-practical drawstring sleep sacks ... and they don't do them here. In fact my friend who had her baby last summer said the nurses thought they were "rather funny" but did (in the end) admit that they made sense.

I for one do not want to be fiddling with snaps and/or zippers in the middle of the night. So I asked mom if she would hit Target for me ... or wherever, but I thought for sure Target would have them. Nope! Nobody uses them anymore ... everything is now designed for the carseat - and life on the go.

So mom went hunting and sewing and sourced 8 for me! I think I'm set and I can hardly wait. A typical hospital stay is 5 days here so I know they will come in handy then. And once we're home they'll be fine in the stroller too. Plus it's summer so we'll be spending lots of time in the garden.

She made the light green one - it's my favorite. In my opinion THAT is the perfect baby neutral. But Aqua and Yellow are right up there on the list too - she did great. Oh, and one has giraffes, Axel will love that ... he always says he can relate to a giraffe (for obvious reasons). His other favorite animal is the moose - hehe, cuz they have a goofy face!

Thanks mom - they're perfect!

Oh, did I mention that they are all laundered and ready to go so all I have to do is drop them into my hospital suitcase ... how practical is that?

Nesting and Knitting

To keep my hands busy but my head quiet in the evenings I have a new hobby ... of course I don't have a "stash" to support this crazy hobby (hmmm, could it be worse than quilting?) but I have been pinning loads of project ideas.

So yesterday I went with my iPad in hand to Stoffenidee in Gent ... and came home with this ...

We're still not 100% about the babies' sexes although I think it's safe to say we're not having two boys. Shopping when you don't know can be very interesting ... here in Belgium the neutral is beige, blech - lots of beige.

So I'm trying to cover myself in the case of all contingencies. Friday another scan is scheduled so hopefully we'll know more and I will stop the incessant worrying - or does that ever go away? Tomorrow we're HALF WAY - 20 Weeks already. I'm still waiting for someone to pinch me and say "ha, wake up, you were dreaming." 

I don't have anything to show for all my yarn yet but you can get an idea of what I I have in mind  here on Pinterest. Have I mentioned lately that I am addicted to Pinterest? ... oh yeh, and Chai :)

So now I have a weird question - do you think it would be weird to add yarn to my baby wish list? We already have oodles and oodles of baby clothes and are now saving up for the big ticket items like a stroller and carseats, cloth diapers and the perfect rocking chair. And I've gone a little weird and added a few of my favorite holiday cartoons to our Amazon wish list - but is it even weirder to ask for yarn? 

There are sooo many things I want to make ...

Hand Made Lace

Handmade items are always special and this amazing little shoe is no exception. It was a gift from our friend Danielle. She laughed when she gave the package to me saying that normally she gives a pair of socks trimmed with handmade lace but there was "no way" she was going to make us two pair because it's a lot of work so she handed me this instead ...

I'm sure I caught flies! Isn't it amazing??

 

Here are some close-up pictures too ...