Oh Boy, Oh Boy, Oh Boy !!!

First I should suggest you sit down before reading this. Honestly ... you should.

You see, while we did confess that we were pregnant again we didn't actually tell you we were pregnant with three! 

Yes, triplets ...

Let me tell you it was a huge shock to us too. We found out in a round-a-bout way at 9 weeks. And yes, I need to tell you about the day we woke up pregnant with one and went to bed pregnant with three. 

For now, the long story short is that there was another egg .. hiding .. and that egg split .. into two. Resulting in a set of identical twins plus a singleton.

Today we are 16 weeks pregnant with a nest of three babies. 

I took this picture this morning getting ready for an appointment at the University Hospital in Leuven. We'd been there before, three weeks ago. But also with Saskia and Arne. The best ultrasound technician is there and our doctor has been very proactive in making sure we get the best care and advice that's available.

An hour long appointment to allow for plenty of time to check and measure every aspect of each baby. The length of arm and thighbones, the circumference of their heads and abdomens. The workings of their hearts and bladders. And a measure of blood flow in and out of their hearts as well as umbilical cords. The heartbeats were monitored and when possible their sex is determined.

Yes, we did want to know. We've known about the two since our last visit three weeks ago but we sure were curious about the single. On the first pass through legs and feet were tucked so tight up under the bum that there was no way of knowing. A second pass a half hour later revealed clear evidence of a glowing little thing-a-ma-jig!!

So here you have it ... 

THREE BOYS!

Oh my ...

Thankfully we already have names including a contingency depending on whether #3 was a girl or boy. It meant a lot to know Saskia and Arne's names early on, especially when things were rough. They weren't just baby 1 and 2. So these three littles have fabulous names. Just first names. No middles for our boys, just like their dad. But we won't be giving them away just yet. 

We will, however; tell you their initials because it will be easier to tell their stories.

L, T & F

So, that scan ... one of the twins substantially smaller than the other two babies.

L and F are both measuring about 15cm / 6" - as they should. 

But little T is only about 12cm / 4-3/4" as if he were only 12 weeks old.

It's not a good sign, that's a big difference at this point in the game.

It's possible that it's a case of twin-to-twin-transfusion but the doctor said it's too early to confirm that. It's more likely that T is not getting his share of the twin placenta. 

So it's not only blood that he's lacking, but also nutrition.

To be honest, it doesn't look good for little T and that could affect his twin,
even both of his brothers. We just don't know. The doctors don't know.
Nothing is ever for sure.

I won't go into worst case scenarios or even possibilities right now. There are too many factors.

Too many what ifs.

We have another appointment in a week to check them all carefully again.

Then there is a possibility of a 2-3 day hospital stay for me .. likely towards the end of the next week or sometime the following week.

For right now, just know that we are doing ok. 

Your prayers and thoughts are especially appreciated. 

We know many of you have us there already - Thanks!

The Postman Came

( originally posted to Jovita's Patchwork Atelier, I am slowly 
copying posts relevant to our Feathered Nest so you 
might see some posts that seem terribly out of sequence )

******************

The postman came yesterday bearing gifts.

Yes, you read that right.

Not one, but two.

Actually, even more than that.

But two packages.

One from Lisa and another from Cathy.

Here's a little background.

To be 100% honest, I can't remember when I actually "met" Lisa. I know we crossed paths a few times, exchanged greetings here and there. But when did we become "friends" ... I don't know. We see each other very little, write even less. But I know she's a friend. I think about her often and feel her thinking about me. It's hard to describe. She's there. She's been there. For a long time.

The story of this little quilt started many many years ago. I whipped the top together during an Amish workshop I was giving in Germany. Then it sat in a pile of tops was hung occasionally. Often forgotten. At a quilt show in March 2008, Lisa saw the top pinned up in my booth and asked if she could quilt it for me. Um ... sure ... wow! No hurry, whenever. On and off I had forgotten it over the years. Until it arrived yesterday.

Not just quilted, but embroidered as well.

Tears, goosebumps, gratitude, love.

oh my

Can you SEE how fine that quilting is? 

Did I mention that the entire quilt measures 11-1/2" squares. 

Those tiny green squares you see above are 1/2"!

Her note said I could remove the embroidery if I didn't like it. 

Are you kidding? 

I LOVE IT. 

I saw it first. The initials. A J A S. Axel looked at it and was a bit puzzled. You see, my middle name is Adria so it all made since until he got to the S ... Goldschmidt? And then it hit and he cried too. The poor man. Sometimes I just want to scoop him up into my heart and hold him there. 

The second package was from Cathy.

A new friend.

I think I met her through my friend Maria first.

Get this.

I live in Belgium, Maria was living in Colombia, Cathy lives in Maryland.

What's the connection?

Yep, you guessed.

Facebook

and Pinterest.

Honestly.

Sometimes I hate social media.

But how can you hate it when it brings people like Cathy into your life?

The second package contained not one

but two of these wonderful little heart blocks!

Honestly Cathy!

They're so sweet.

How did you know?

That I love most things Amish?

That they belong here?

I haven't decided what to make.

But it will be special.

Because you cared.

Because you're my friend.

Cathy also sent this book. 

We're looking forward to spending some quiet times together. 

Reading it together.

Thank you!

The gifts are beautiful. They are wonderful.

But nothing compares to the gifts of your friendship.

Thank you to both of you for your love and kindness.

xox

The Shoulders of Yesterday

Jeebers, yesterday was a doozy. And I'm sorry if it felt like it came from no where. To be honest I felt it coming. I felt it last week when walking to the car for a day of errands my eyes welled up. It went away and the day proceeded without a hitch. Some success on the shopping front some not-so. All in all a rather uneventful day.

Last weekend we painted the kitchen. It went along fine and I actually did more than I planned. Axel sat down at the table with the iPad and worked on some tour planning for customers visiting in September and I cut around all the edges and put a first coat on every single wall. A beautiful clean slate - perfect for snapping a pic of these lovely blooms.

Monday .. eh, I worked on taxes. 

I did pretty good. 

But I was tired. 

I haven't been sleeping again.

Tuesday - yesterday - I woke up too early again. 

From a nightmare. 

Ugh. 

And then it all steamrolled. 

Every . single . little . thing made me cry.

I slept better last night and am doing better today.

I know some of it is hormones. 

I know some of it is not knowing. 

I hate feeling this way. 

I have never liked rollercoasters. 

And I miss me. 

I miss my confidence. 

I despise my doubts. 

I am frustrated by everything.

But there are good things afoot too. The house is looking good. I'm putting some of my pointless energy into sprucing it up. It never happened here. We moved in when I was pregnant the first time. Two weeks later I miscarried. This house has never gotten the attention it deserves. And it's time to make it more of a home. One step at a time.

We're also planning a get away. In May. I can hardly wait. Eight nights, nine days away. It will be a lot of driving but we're looking forward to it. I'll tell you more soon. But for now .. have you been here? We'd love any advise!

 

So to all of you who said a prayer, held us in your thoughts, dropped a line or commented on yesterdays post ~ THANK YOU!

I'll be ok. I promise.

Rest assured. 

There are good days and bad days. 

Most weeks have more good days than bad days.

My favorite part about roller coasters is getting off. I can handle the level parts. Deal with the corners. The highs reveal some wonderful views. But the lows ... oh the lows. Not a fan. The dips I can deal with but the lows physically hurt. So I will do my best to ride this one out. And wait for my turn to get off. I know it will come. With patience. 

Thanks for holding my hand and giving me the courage to ride it out.

I promise to tell you about the frogs soon.

shoulders .. those things you find on either side of something. 
your head, the street, seasons .. you get the idea

I have a lot to say but can't seem to find the right place to start.

Instead I'll just share this picture. 

I love it!

It was taken the day before we went to the hospital - at 20-1/2 weeks.

It was freezing cold and windy but the sun was shining!

And we were so happy - look at those smiles!

We had an appointment with our doctor last night. We had a lot of questions. He was able to answer many of our questions, but many of them will go forever unanswered - oh, the complexities of the human body.

There are so many more questions ... most of which only we can answer.

But we're doing ok. 

We are with each other.

We are leaning on each other.

Crying together.

Even laughing and making jokes.

Sometimes it is freezing cold and windy but the sun is shining!

Saskia & Arne will always be with us.

Behind the Curtain

A few of you have asked how I can write. 

 Now, at a time like this? 

Sometimes I ask myself how all my bumbling thoughts make it past my cloudy mind and shaking hands to hit the keys in just the right order. Ha, as I accidentally type "write order" instead of "right order." Yes, cloudy head full of mush.

I used to write more. A few short stories, lists, comments, thoughts and lots of letters. Random bits of my life now scattered through various hard drives and boxes of memories. Writing helps. I haven't done it in a long time but I am finding it's my way of coping ... of venting ... of sharing.

However, in the midst of all this, I have asked myself ... do I share to much? Do I rely on you to much? To read what I write, to burden you with my heart.

Not coincidentally (I don't believe in coincidence anymore - let's call it serendipity instead), I recently read this post by Corinne of So September. How small the world has become through this thing called blogging. She writes about how we can know so much about each other, and then not know how much to say in our comments or email. Can blogging and commenting (or not) make for mostly one-sided relationships? I think not ... not by your responses to my recent posts. I know you can't comment every time. But trust me, every time you do it helps me to know you each a little better.

Is it too much?
to ask ... to share ... to want ... to give

But this is, after all, my blog ... my patchwork blog ... maybe it's a patchwork of my life.

Ok, so you ask

"Where IS the PATCHWORK?"

It's here! I promise. 

Honestly, I haven't felt like much but a few projects have surfaced on their own and so I haven't been able to ignore them. As usual I have more than one project in the works.

... One is by hand, well actually it's several. Embroidered memories of Saskia and Arne for their godparents and grandparents (although I'm still struggling with the last ones).  Somehow as they acknowledge (or not) that our hopes and dreams have been dashed I don't think it has hit them that two (more) grandchildren were born. Born and snatched from us before they even got a chance to
say hello.

Saskia and Arne weren't just brother and sister. 

They were more than just our daughter and son! (sorry, feel the need to shout here). 

They were also grandchildren, nieces, nephews and cousins!

I can't explain why it's so hard to accept that no one has asked ...
... under "normal" circumstances they would have.

... so just for the record ...

... for here and now ... 

Saskia looked just like her daddy. She had his sweet round childish face and definitely his nose. Axel dreamed a few weeks ago that she had my eyes and hair. But sadly her eyes were closed so I will just trust him that she did.

Arne had a tear in his eye when the nurse gave him to me. His nose was mine ... and my dad's ... running the straight and narrow in his beautiful long face. They were beautiful. They were
perfect.

Just as we dreamed. 

I won't get started on their hands and feet. Oh, their feet - those poor kids. Saskia's were HUGE! Bigger than Arne's. Their footprints resemble ours. One had my toes, the other Axel's.

How is this possible? 

They were so perfect ...

So, funnily enough, my second project has to do with privacy. Curtains. For my office / atelier. I have huge north-facing windows that are directly on the street. Every passing soul walks past my front window. It's a huge window - I'd show you a pic but remember that computer problem? Well it hasn't gone away. Thank goodness I can use my laptop as a backup for blogging and emails.  But those icky ucky landlord-grade grey sheers needed to go. They provided no privacy. If I worked in my office in the evenings you could see right through. I felt like I was in a fishbowl. They also provide no warmth. Not a good thing for north facing windows in wintry Belgium. So the window treatment will eventually involve "layers." I'm patching up the first layer now. Inspired by this and this, by the lovely Victoria of The Silly BooDilly. My interpretation is turning out beautiful (if I say so myself) and I promise to share soon.

And then there's the third project. Honestly I had NO intention of starting another quilt. Sewing isn't easy right now. But I do find it helping too. My thoughts tumble through my head while I sew. Sometimes taking shape sometimes dissipating before I know what they are. But most of my writing is drafted in front of the sewing machine.

So I've made a bunch of these blocks. More than a dozen already - they're quite quick. 

Can you guess what they're for?

And in the meantime more blocks have arrived from friends here in Belgium ... as well as two lovely scented sachets from Aisling (darn no pic) must take one tomorrow!

Thank you again.

For letting me vent and share.

xox Jovita

[im]Possibilities

Yesterday was FULL of a lot of anger ... 

Which in turn fuelled an exercise in futility ...  

And questions. 

Lots of questions 

How can it be possible to laugh and cry at the same time?
     ~ never mind that this phenomenon almost always occurs just when one's mouth is full of food

How can it be possible for one email to say so much?

How can it be possible that when everything else is going wrong ... my computer goes on the blink too?

How can it be possible that it took me 40 years to realise that, yes indeed, water is thicker than blood?
     ~ honest, it's true ... No matter how many times they tell you just the opposite.

How can it be possible for one email to say so little?

How is it possible to feel ... one day so full of hope and joy and the next so full of emptiness and despair?
     ~ is it possible to feel full of emptiness?

How can it be possible, when I have reached my darkest hour, that someone I hold dear can remind me to keep doing what I do best?
     ~ and then everything feels alright for awhile, but only just a while

... And then it all comes flooding back ...

And how, just how, can it be possible to be so completely surrounded by love and yet feel so very terribly alone.

Thankfully I know better than to go down the path of why ... there's no point.

For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. ~ Jeremiah 29:11 

But there is another long, very long, list of whens?, wheres? and hows?.

And I know there are no answers.  

Not yet.  

And I begin again with when ...

But not until I've checked the mailbox ... these came today ... and give me new hope for tomorrow.

Every day is a new day. 

The sun will continue to rise and set. 

Eventually my fear of going to sleep will fade and I'll be able to embrace the mornings again. 

But for now I'll just curl up in my husband's arms and cry.

How can it be possible to cry so many tears ... surely they are not an endless supply.

They must dry up ... eventually ...

They're Waiting for Us

Someday I will share the story of finding the treasure chest ... nearly 15 years ago. 

One item from that chest fell into my hands yesterday and opened itself to reveal a poem. 

A sweet poem ... full of hope ... that gives us some comfort.